capture the present-;

2008-11-18T15:25:00.000+08:00

ok, moved to dewwicks.blogspot.com
visit if you want to.
will be updating this time.
so dont worry
:)

dewwicks

2008-07-13T22:11:00.002+08:00

today was another day well spent.

pretty tired to update my blog anymore. but more interesting things are coming up.

today was spent by having lunch with sy, went to re-string my badminton racquet, had an hour of badminton with sy, dinner with sy then followed my cousin for dinner. pretty tired from badminton as it is. so yeah.

yesterday was more interesting as i woke up at 6am. sy picked me up and we headed off to menumbok to send his dad to the jeti to labuan. after that we headed to membakut to find dato' haris' fishing pond and we did! so we reached there around 12pm and left at 5.30pm. within that time, sy caught one haruan fish. i almost caught two and sy almost caught another one but the fish bit the back end off leaving the head for sy! hahahaha
it was pretty fun fishing and awesome lake filled with haruan and tomans!!

thats about it and here is the picture of sy and his haruan.

2008-06-30T02:27:00.002+08:00

well, i have been in and out of everyting and anything.
even though life or whatever you call it, have me by the balls, i won't give in.
life is soon going to change, drastically and it will definitely change my life.
be it life or death, joy or anger, i will wait for it.
here i am, writting something up.

Murmur

(mûr'mər) n 1: a low, indistinct, continuous sound: spoke in a murmur; the
murmur of the waves 2: an indistinct, whispered, or confidential complaint; a
mutter 3: Medicine. an abnormal sound, usually emanating from the heart, that
sometimes indicates a diseased condition.

When I met Maryanne, she was standing on the subway platform and talking to herself. She was tiny, less than a hundred pounds, with dark circles beneath her eyes and unwashed brown hair. We were nearly alone in the station. I leaned againts a girder to listen, but her words were indistinct, a blur of gentle noise, and soon enough a train charged in from the darkness to silence her. The train thundered along the track, and as we approached the yellow edge in anticipation it kept hissing and racing until, at last, it disappeared with a shudder. We were left side by side, introduced by disappointment.
"You were listening," she said to me.
I blinked too many times, flustered. I glanced down at her thin pretty blouse and back up into her tired smile, those two rows of small lopsided teeth.
"Maryanne," she said.
When we boarded the next train there were empty seats, but we stood side by side holding onto the same fingerprinted pole. I spread my feet and felt the train twist beneath me like the spine of a cat. We were new at being New Yorkers so we talked about home, the places we had fled.
"I didn't know people actually lived in South Carolina," I said. "I thought it was one of those states they made up so there would be fifty. Like Olkahoma."
"You're just upset because we call you Yankees," she said.
"Maybe," I said.
I told her I was going downtown to buy an album by The Terrifics that was being released exclusively in vinyl format. I didn't own a record player but I wanted the album.
"I have a record player," she said. "I'm not sure if it works."
"Does it have a needle?"
"I think so. My mother gave it to me."
"Ask her if it has a needle."
"She's dead."
I changed hands on the pole, startled, though I shouldn't have been, as flirtation usually involves precocious familiarity, asking and telling things ordinarily unshared with a stranger. They aren't grand secrets, they're just things any friend would know, but it's through the swift progression of revelation that a new intimacy arises.
"I'm picking up a friend at Penn Station," she told me as we transferred to the E train. "He's in the air force."
"A friend," I said, carrying her black bag.
"He called me up to say he was coming up from D.C. for the weekend. We went to college together. Medical school."
"You're a doctor? You look sixteen."
"I'm an intern at Sloan-Kettering."
"I'm healthy," I said.
"Terribly," she said and reached up to tug the collar of my jacket. We were melting, with a kind of instantaneousness that had little to do with each other and more to do with ourselves, a mutual affinity for being saved. I tried to convince her to leave her friend at the station but she wouldn't agree to it, though it seemed she wanted to. I accompanied her past my shop to Penn Station and walked her to the turnstile where she wrote her telephone number on my hand in red ink. Then she slipped her jacket over her head and I couldn't see her face.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"I don't know," she said. "Come here."
I leaned in close, nervous, worried that the sweat on my hands would smudge the numbers. She turned her head and pressed her lips to my ear, as if she were going to whisper a secret. We were breathing in that dark, humid space, surrounded by the fever of strangers, and then she slipped the jacket off of both of us and walked away to meet her unwanted friend.

2008-03-25T08:57:00.002+08:00

sometimes things don't go according to plan. i would want to disagree but it happens.

things come and go, so do people and interesting enough, our future, present and past. we don't want these feelings to go away but they just have to.

ever had the feeling where everything was just nice? just perfect? just where you want it to be and BOOM! disaster strikes. it happens all the time to me which can be such a fucking heart burn. mistakes done in the past can be painful but mistakes that come now can be deadly.

things we go through in our life. learning and learning until we die.
God sent? or Satan's child? hey, who am i to say who we are right? but i am here to say that we are better than everyone else and to keep our head held high every time disaster strikes.

so, fuck those fuckers who discriminate us for who we are.
rick.

2008-03-11T23:22:00.005+08:00

ok, so since liv made me realize i had a blog, it made me want to blog.

recently, it has been hectic. it's just so hard to deal with everything coming all at once. it's either i cant wait to go back home or get away from this hell hole. either way, i need to get away from here.

it was a drastic change for me when i was out partying and holidaying after i graduated. now it's just shit nights with shit work. i dont think i can stand it but what am i to do? deal with it.

the endless ranting will never stop at this end.

so screw it all because i want it all.

rick.

2008-03-11T01:59:00.003+08:00

and there you go. livina found out about my blog. thank GOD, i didnt put anything about her in here :p or she might just kill me ;)

anyhooooooo ... life is life.

everything is shady.

i shall chill until my day comes to an end.

2008-01-05T07:02:00.000+08:00

first breakdown of 2008. how fast is that?

but who cares. everyone would say ... GROW UP anyway.

i know.

i know.

growing but still feeling insignificant.

rick.

2008-01-05T05:22:00.000+08:00

ok, so its a new year, graduated from college, single after sookie and now ... lost.

i just feel that your first love will never escape that little hole in your heart as it keeps digging and digging more holes into it. i dont know. somehow depression follows after this hard digging into the heart. some may say it has been way way too long to dread over the past but hey, we are only human and i guess i am one fucked up little kid.

the window of opportunity strikes at the weirdest time and the window of bad luck just comes at the right time. is it coincidence that this happens? who knows. all we know is that life keeps on playing games with our little heads as we hop like little kids through our paths.

nothing seems to bring more fear to me than being faced with dissappointment. sometimes you just expect so much from this person after a long hard wait but somehow, it is all the same. the past is still repeating itself. the curves and bends are still the same. even the WORDS are the same. should i finally give up this LONG and HUGE conquest? i would say no as its been way too long to give up now.

what would i do? wait, patiently as i always have.
depression isnt something i can control. i feel so insignificant at the moment.
rick.

2007-11-09T01:47:00.001+08:00

i constantly think and dream about her. how i could touch her, kiss her, and feel her.

all my wildest dreams came true but it was hard to believe. as how i felt was the same as before. how i lived my life two years ago was the same as it was.

he couldn't take it. the cake maker as we know of suddenly crumbles into a tiny bug ready to be stepped on. as everyone said, they knew it wouldn't happen, that it couldn't and that it can't. he tried so hard to believe them and now, after two years of endless dreams of her, he finally believed them, that he wouldn't, couldn't and can't.

he was head over heels for her, the girl that was once known as his one true love. instead now, she is just a girl, an ordinary girl.

he has no where to go and no one to turn to. it is pretty sad that he doesn't. he wants to write and tell the whole world but the cake maker is scared that the world would judge back like they did before. so the best thing he could do was blog it all out. he didn't know who would read it but at least he knew that he had let everything out through his little journal.

he have had it with relationships that come and go. he wants a permanent one that doesn't ruin his life again.

the cake maker wants to be in love again.

he tries but is often pulled down by everyone around him, be it his friends, close friends or even family.

he simply just wants to be in love again.

2007-11-06T06:58:00.000+08:00

i cried in my sleep
feeling confused
delighted
amazed
scared

im scared.

2007-09-19T01:37:00.000+08:00

today was pikky's flight to london. she is off to middlesex. a very sad day indeed.

well, heres a little story about pikky. shes one of the nicest person you will ever meet. shes like a sister to me. i dont know, words cant seem to fill up the spaces. i just wish she was still here, we would enjoy our yam cha sessions, basketball, pool and every other thing. she is like the so called "party planner'. its just pretty sad. ive known her for years and now she is gone. she is coming back, if im not mistaken 6-7 months. but by that time, ill be gone. sigh ... its just sad.

pikky, you will definately be missed by all of us back here.

all i have to say is thank you. thank you for every single thing you've done for me.

rick.

2007-09-09T14:52:00.000+08:00

its been awhile. why yes it has.

i fell in love whilst dreaming earlier. it was somehow the best dream ever. if it was true, she stays in edinburgh, uk. i dont know how i got that place correct in my dream. i checked it online and there is an edinburgh in the uk. very suprised.

life has been going on. recently had a bbq for everyone in my course which includes our juniors, which added up to 200+ people. so yea, it was fun mingling around and just chilling.

went to teluk bidara, 31st august 2007! awesome place to go in kuala terrengganu! we had a blast there just camping, fishing, driving at least 14 hours for the whole trip and just enjoying the night breeze. you somehow miss the beach and the smell of it when you havent seen it for awhile. i know i did. the evening breeze and night sky coolness just took me away. oh! i finally saw my first shooting star that night. yes!

the day we went off for the trip, was the day i did my tattoo. it represents my whole family as a whole and as a till death to us part kinda thing. so yeah. i loved it. took roughly around 3 hours to finish that day. its still not done. my next appointment is next month. heheheh.

thats about it. oh, sookie and i are still together. we grew from what we had, and what i had lost. i admire her strength and will to stay on. im just who i am. hopefully i will appreciate her more than i already do now before she realizes that im useless towards her.

yeah ... stay strong and keep your chin up.
rick.

2007-08-18T04:05:00.000+08:00

today was a fucktastic day!

went to tamarind springs in ampang. fantastic setting with scrumpcious food! it was sookie's birthday, so i brought her there. i told her that i never did anything like that before to my ex girlfriends. so yeah. it was a romantic and good. she said i was really romantic and sweet for doing so. i also bought lilys for her as she loves them. so all together would be around rm250 not including fuel. hahahha

all i can say it was all worth it. for all that shes done for me and putting up with me, she deserves it.

oh, i also got a new piercing today! its a smiley. fuck awesome. it was painless. so yeah. and it cost rm160. ouch.

so practically ill be eating maggie for the whole month. yay.

rick.

2007-08-11T05:55:00.000+08:00

i dont think i should be using the shampoo im using now. shit. dove makes me think of her even more. i love the smell of dove on her hair. argh!

i dont know, i guess i cant help it but think about her even though i know what is what now.

i really wished things were different.

rick.

2007-08-09T03:34:00.000+08:00

there has to be days where i wish i had a life besides this one.

haih ... tapi macam itu sajalah.

theres nothing i can do about it. nothing at all. all i can do is just stare blankly into the sky and hope a miracle happens. probably an asteroid falling down on that person or something. hey, im just saying. if it happens to be a small rock with fire on it, dont blame me.

anyways, went out with pikky, sy and alissa today. had fun just talking random stuff and walking around aimlessly. thats all lah.

baking muffins real soon. expanding and trying out new things. tired of cakes and cookies. seems like there isnt enough muffins in the world! :P

anyways ... im off. CHEERIOS
rick.

2007-08-06T02:33:00.000+08:00

another night out, which was quite nice.

woke up around 3pm today. totally killed my whole weekend which was suppose to be a weekend full of work and assignments. but oh well, just having too much fun i guess.

so yeah, i promised ash and elissa that i would bake them brownies today. so i did. went over to meiyen's house and we had brownies, alcohol and card games. it was only heman, ash, elissa, meiyen, pikky and i. so yeah, it was quite fun hanging around. really enjoyed myself. its like im free from everything you know. nothing pulling me down, nothing telling me not to do this or do that. so in a way, i am glad.

im finally happy with my life again. elissa wants to marry me, again! hahaha

so yeah, all fun and games tonight. thats about it. so here comes the monday blues. sigh. i think ill see elissa at college. dont know yet but yeah.

getting too late. off to bed.

rick.

2007-08-05T05:03:00.000+08:00

tonight is an awesome night! we had fun at the reggae bar!!

lester, sarah, sy, heman, mode, annie, ash, pikky, meiyen, faizal, elissa and i were like groving on and on! from 11pm to 3-4am in the morning! freaking awesome. meiyen, elissa and ash were strutting their stuff salsa'ing and we were just standing there like idiots but still dancing! hahahaha awesome stuff.

its kind off a farewell to pikky i think...i am not sure!! hehehe

so tomorrow morning, which is 4 hours from now, is fishing! i hope lester can wake up though! hehehehehe if we cant, then we'll most probably be asleep till God knows when! hehehehe. an awesome night all and all tonight. i just love it. reggae bar rocks!

and oh, someone wants to marry me, wait no! two girls want to marry me!! awesome! HAHAHAHAHAH im sorry heman, being a chef is better than being a graphic designer!! HEEEHEHEEEEEEE sorry dude! 1st come 1st serve! hahahaha kidding bahhh!! ash is all yours man! hahahaha

rick.

2007-08-02T03:48:00.000+08:00

i was just complemented on my smile and eyes.

smile, that smile i make when im not forced to smile. the random smile i assume.

eyes, my eyes are very absorbant? or something like that. alluring if im not mistaken. so yeah.

thats what i got today.

other than that, went to ampang with pikky to do her medical things. practically spent the whole day waiting. but its ok. its all good. got to see some hot working ladies. ohhh yeahhh

so thats about it. im off. im sleepy.

rick.

2007-07-31T02:17:00.000+08:00

i am so lost. yet again. not because of jac but because of sookie.

its hard for me to let someone go as im afraid of hurting them in the process.

its my fault for leading her to something that isnt there. so i somehow regret my actions. not all of them but most of them.

i feel like shit for being the person i am now. fuck this shit.

rick.

2007-07-29T04:13:00.000+08:00

everything seems to be going on so well. i am really enjoying myself now.

today was the yogurt testing for the CEO of mamee and i couldnt make it because i had to accompany my mum to her talk to give her support which is ok. i didnt really complain because at the end of the day, i knew i was going shopping with her. but unfortunately we didnt have time to shop, so it didnt matter. had a debate with mum about hospitality and tourism. hehehe was good.

other than that, everything is going on well. smoking less and less now. drinking less and less now. but driving ... sigh, driving will always be driving! hehe

ive been good. ive been really good. i would have to congratulate myself for making it this far.
kudos for rick. heheheheh
rick.

2007-07-27T01:59:00.000+08:00

well, i just got a lecture for sy. which is quite mind opening. it really made me see things straight and i really need to sit down and think ... think think think.

like he said, not all relationships are perfect and of course i agreed. but i cant love a person i already lost feelings for right? so yeah. he asked me to move on with my life and just be myself. whatever that come, will come. sigh.

i've already told myself that day, to move on from jac. and seriously, i have and its been such a wonderful turn of events. i stopped hurting myself, crying myself to sleep and such. its good. i just needed to realize that one person cant take over my whole life.

so now ... now i just need to think things straight. i dont like hurting other people and being the person i am ... its hard. all i can say is ... ill see how it goes. if everything turns out ok, then it will, if not, then ... fuck it.

rick.

2007-07-25T03:23:00.000+08:00

sigh ... its hard for everyone.

to think you know everything is just wrong. i guess its just the way of life.

on the other hand, i seem to see less and less of my "close" friends ever since i started to cut jac off from my life. i mean, yeah, she does get me jealous all the time and i cant seem to do anything about it but watch and see what happens. so am i going to let her push me around? i guess not. eventhough i dont see much of my friends, at least i am so-so happy and not so emo anymore about random things that concern her. so yeah, i hope ill be alright. i mean, of course i will be alright! :)

hopefully i can. hopefully i will. all i depend on is hope, and myself.

rick.

2007-07-23T04:31:00.000+08:00

there are some days that i love life. things go my way and i feel lucky to be alive. and then there are other days that i hate life. nothing works out, everything seems to hit me at once and i literally feel like i'm drowning. and then there are other days when i feel like my head is just barely above water and i'm dog paddling frantically for a shore i cannot see.

what makes the difference between many of these days are the interactions i have with other people. i hate to be dumped on or taken advantage of and when i am, that taints my attitude towards other events in my life.

it just feels weird going through every other day, either being happy or sad. when everyone asks, "why are you so emo?", "what are you doing to your hand?", "you're stupid!". so what am i suppose to do?

maybe i am suppose to be immune, i do not know. all i know is that i have to end each day with high expectations, not to others but to myself.

rick.

2007-07-21T02:58:00.000+08:00

salsa, the best new thing in my life. met so many people through it.

today, i met sharee, elisa and ash. well, actually just sharee because i already met elisa and ash last week from little havana. so yea, it was fun. after we salsa, we went to QBA in westin for some "real" dancing. hehehe hell yeah. danced for awhile and enjoyed myself. there, i got to know all of the girls better. it was fun. elisa studies in taylor's too and is graduating the same time as i am! amazing! and she stays in taman tun. sweet!

its just nice meeting new people. getting to know them and such. very very interesting. i guess now i can say, forget my past, cause i love my present.

rick.

2007-07-19T13:05:00.000+08:00

its amazing. i am not a stupid person, yet there are some mistakes that i seem to make over and over and over again. you would think that after one or two bad outcomes, i would "get it" and do something differently.

i believe mistakes are life lessons. once a person "masters" that lesson, they will move on to make different mistakes. the fact that i continue to find myself in some of the same potholes of life shows me that i still havent learned whatever lesson im supposed to.

this frustrates me to NO end.

we've all done it. been in a situation where we know better but choose to do something anyway. maybe we're lazy or pressed for time. maybe we don't want to jeopardize the immediate for the sacrifice of the long term. or maybe we just no longer care.

one of my greatest mistakes in life is being too nice to people who dont deserve it. these people are users and they constantly worm their way into my life and then make me feel guilty for wanting them to leave.

i know when they approach me that i should run away, or at risk of appearing impolite, to at least say, "i would love to help you, but it seems like every time i do that, you dont really appreciate it. i'm sorry." that would show the world i have a backbone and give me some confidence that i am not a doormat.

but i dont want to be rude or seem like a bitch, and so i say nothing and then feel like i've eaten a bucketful of worms after our interaction.

but i'm getting tired of worms. i'm getting tired of looking in the mirror and criticize myself for what i didnt have the courage to say.

it is true that i hate conflict. it is true that i feel a tremendous amount of guilt if itell someone I cant help them but really can and just dont want to because i know they wont appreciate it. and its true that i like to be liked. i am willing to subordinate myself in the eyes of others, at times, if it means that they will "like me".

and so i find myself in a vicious cycle that only i have the power to break.

i hope this year will be one of tremendous personal growth for me. but i know, if that is really going to happen, then i have to stand up for myself.

and so, i say to myself no to a bucketful of worms.
rick.

2007-07-19T00:33:00.000+08:00

breaking down while you are having a "dinner party" is a no no.

nothing sucks more than losing the ones you love the most.

rick.

2007-07-18T03:06:00.000+08:00

i think one of the most difficult things about being human is our ability to remember things...things we've done or not done. how many times in my life ive prayed for a "do over" and there wasnt one.

i learned to develop a sense of regret. even though i knew that wasnt a way to go back in time and change things, i believed if i could do enough "good things" in the present, it would somehow eliminate some of my mistakes of the past.

this misguided thinking has led to years of tears, scars and heart aching despair that i wasnt good enough person to make enough of the right choices that would have allowed me a life without regret.

in reality, no one has a life without mistakes, careless comments or poorly thought out decisions. these experiences are life lessons and they are invaluable in the shaping of who we are. if we say something that hurts someones feelings, we know next time to think before we speak. if we suffer a consequence because of something we've done, we learn to make a different decision next time. no experience is worthless and to want to change them totally undermines what these life lessons are meant to teach us.

i am always amazed at how many people always say nothing when asked if they regret anything in their life. maybe many of them have learned a lesson that i am still working to master. to live a life without regret means accepting your life lessons gracefully, learning from them and then moving on.

i am amazed at their maturity and outlook on life. none of them will say that they havent made mistakes or done things that have complicated their life in some way, but these experiences have shaped who they are, and in loving themselves, they wouldnt want that to change.

how right they are. i am a product of all of the actions and decisions i have made. if i were to go back and change even one of them, i would no longer be who i am today. to accept myself, i must accept all of myself and that includes the things ive done in the past that may be less than glamorous.

i refuse to spend any more time living with regret. i cannot go back and change anything and to want to is a waste of time and energy. instead, i must set my sights on the future. by carefully choosing my direction, i can plot a course for success and inner fulfillment.

do i regret my self-injury scars? no. they act as an outward reminder of the struggles ive gone through and my victory over them. do i regret some of the things ive said and done in the past? not anymore. i did or said what i thought was right at the time and thats all i can do. with the passage of time and new information, of course there comes new understanding and insight. if i were to be in a similar situation today, it is possible that i might make a difference choice. but at the time, the choices i made were right.

life is too short to want a "do over". each morning we wake is the only "do over" we will ever get. examine the things in your life that you want to change and then act accordingly. learn from the mistakes youve made and then move forward. to do otherwise is an insult to the person you are becoming. thats who i am and who i want to be.

rick.

2007-07-18T00:27:00.001+08:00

i just realized today how stupid i have been. being all self harm and all. doing it all because he wants someone to love him and also at the same time being hurt.

i just dont know what is it that attracts me to her so ... much. im tangled up in her web she made while we were together or i assume its just that one thing that cant escape my head. i guess she doesnt want to go through it again thats why she aint with me. i can say i understand but deep inside, i dont.

i guess its just not meant to be because everytime i lay my eyes on that bracelet, it breaks me. so i guess thats it for me; for being so emotionally attached to one person for so long. its been roughly 2 years and yea, its been tough.

i guess NOW is the time to REALLY get over it. its either now or never. so i suggest to myself, now.

rick.

2007-07-16T23:03:00.000+08:00

Save Me From Myself

It's not so easy lovin' me
It gets so complicated
All the things you gotta be
Everything's changing
But you're the truth
I'm amazed by all your patience
Everything I put you through

And when I'm about to fall
Somehow you're always waiting with
Your open arms to catch me
You're gonna save me from myself

My love is tainted by your touch
Well some girls have shown me aces
But you got that royal flush
I know it's crazy every day
Well tomorrow may be shaky
But you never turn away

Don't ask me why I'm crying
'Cause when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smiling
You always save me from myself

I know it's hard, it's hard
But you've broken all my walls
You've been my strength, so strong

And don't ask me why I love you
It's obvious your tenderness
Is what I need to make me
A better man
You're gonna save me from my
Myself

2007-07-16T05:10:00.000+08:00

her smell makes me reminisce the past, her touch sends tingles all over my body, her lips reminds me of her sweet kiss, her voice is just like an angel whispering in my ear ever so delicately, her texts gives me hope, and her calls reassure me but her bracelet says it all.

sigh ... life sure is bumpy when you turn 20.
rick.

2007-06-28T20:24:00.000+08:00

i often wonder why do i even blog ... even though i know so many people are reading my blog and secretly ... back stabbing me. something i say, will release an unwilling knife from my back but people just keep on stabbing me with more and more ... whatever it is. i just dont know how to handle it anymore.

i rather not blog here anymore as it helps "unknown" people to kill me.

i had enough of this. for those who are reading this. it is your fault.

you can say i am selfish and cant seem to blame myself ... but hey, think about it. it is YOUR fault after all.

i am done blogging. if i want to continue, it would be in another place. no more will i suffer this ... humility.

rick.

2007-06-26T09:21:00.000+08:00

i just finished chatting with a long lost friend. she turned out fucking hot! well, she was always hot but now shes like fucking hotter than ever!! damn!! shes single and thinks that there should be more of me in this world. hahahaha such a sweet talker i can be :P

thats like kinda the highlight of june. fucking A!

other than that, finished my internship in bakerzin about a week ago and now im on a 1 week break. so time to relax and enjoy :)

oh, been ghost hunting lately. gone to bukit tunku, highland towers and hospital cheras.
fucking awesome! saw things moved but didnt see the real thing. most probably soon though cause of my craziness. heheheh so yeah.

other than that. steph, my long lost friend, is hawt!! hehehehe i assume she digs me ... hopefully she does. but damn, it was so nice just chatting with her. i love it.

im off to bed ... its 930 already ... eek.

rick.

2007-06-05T22:54:00.000+08:00

so now im currently on a break. no relationships. no worries about another. just being myself again. i love it.

rick.

2007-06-05T05:37:00.000+08:00

i will admit that i hate myself for losing you. but life goes on right?

she said no, so i have to respect her decision. i find it hard but i have to.

nothing else for me to blog here. just lost yet ... found?

rick.

2007-06-04T00:26:00.000+08:00

so thats that. time to move on with my life.

she told me what i needed to know. not now, not never. she said no, i wouldnt have a chance to get back with her. so i guess that is it. the road named jac has reached its end and now ... i HOPE im starting afresh.

going through everything has been a tough experience for me. a few hiccups here and there but look at me, semi suicidal chef lives on.

even though i feel like shit now. im holding it all in. but its just at the edge of bursting. it hurts. yes it hurts. it fucking hurts.

2007-05-31T02:59:00.000+08:00

how i wish life was easier. how i wish life was simpler. how i wish life was meaningful. how i wish life was my own instead of someone else's.

so many days i waste, so many happy times i should have gotten to replace that bad ones. i just look myself in the mirror and ask what did i do wrong? what did i do to deserve this life i have right now. bouncing on and off this 'girl' when i can be just free. live life and enjoy the sweet smell of freedom and the morning mist.

i still dont know why. even though i ask myself that question every day. i guess im a sucker for her. everything she does just draws me closer and closer to her. it makes me want to indulge in such beauty and self confidence. sigh ... and yet again, he falls for her.

rick.

2007-05-30T05:22:00.001+08:00

it hurts when you do it straight to my face.

you know how i feel about you.

you know im still that much in love with you no matter who your boyfriend is.

beep beep ... wrong. i need a break from all of this. i want to go to singapore.

rick.

2007-05-27T04:41:00.000+08:00

when ever a problem accur, i will definately run away. i just dont know why. i run, run as far as i can. just to get away from it and forget about it. i wish i had a place where i can go and reflect and think about the things i have done, but i dont. the only place i can think about is the park right outside pikky's house. sitting at the bench and just feel emotionless. it is like a place where everything gets forgotten yet everything that reminds me of whatever it is, is so near.

after talking to a long lost friend that i havent met in quite awhile, it really shows how cowardly i am. just running away everytime something bad happens. i regret doing so.

only God can judge me. only i can be who i am.

rick.

2007-05-26T08:16:00.000+08:00

sigh ... what a day what a day.

baked a cake for sy, had fun with close friends and fell in love with my ex 'again'. is that wrong? i dont know.

but i dont know why i coudnt handle it today. times like this i would just drive anywhere i can but i cant. im stuck here with work. so fuck it.

my love life isnt going so smoothly as assumed but hey, there are always ups and downs in a relationship right? but just to tell you, this one just goes down down down. everything i do seems to be wrong and flaws in me just keep popping out and she just keeps on going on and on about it. sometimes i really hate being who i am. what ive been through. who i gotten to know. what happened in the past. but what can i do but just stand strong and continue to persue what i want in life ... which is that 'particular girl' and a successful life in the culinary line.

sigh ... i fucking miss you.

rick.

2007-05-25T04:58:00.000+08:00

no its not ok anymore.

she is killing me with her little this and thats. i cant take it anymore. i just cant.

drinking myself to sleep probably would work now. so thats what im doing. while doing that, im reading what i wrote before in my so called "book" or journal. also reading previous post i posted on lj, my previous blog place.

confused i am. i hate being this way and yet i somehow make myself feel this way. can i please go now, directly where i am suppose to go in the after life. please.

thoughts of you keep running through my head. it is like a film that would just repeat itself. over and over again. that is how much i miss you.

its cold. i just want someone to talk to right now.

rick.

2007-05-20T03:04:00.000+08:00

ever feel that you're constantly being attacked. and that you end up in a corner, without no way out?

things are so confusing atm. things are just fine, but still it feels like something is missing.

arent i happy? arent i happy enough?

it doesnt make sense. it doesnt make any sense.

i want to be unhappy. is that a sin?
yet when im unhappy i want to be happier.

everything is so rocky right now.
i cant be happy anymore,
enough said.

i can fake it, that should be enough. right?

if i could i would and i should just rip my heart out,
i dont deserve it.

rick.

2007-05-18T05:21:00.000+08:00

ahhhh ... my clubbing session was not bad today. went with my friends from bakerzin.

but there was drama. i couldnt go in. so yeah, had to do some cock stunt outside to get in and then there was a fight inside with all the niggers on the dance floor. so yeah. macam tu saja la.

dance dance dance. get to dance with this not so bad looking malay girl that was dressed almost to kill but yea, not bad. didnt want to get her phone number though. if i was single i would. hehe so yeah. commitment!!

im off to bed then.

rick.

2007-05-17T04:49:00.000+08:00

got my tattoo done today. my first and it was a painful experience. it totally hurts but the end product was fantastic. i fucking love it!

rick.

2007-05-14T03:04:00.000+08:00

i dont know what to say anymore but im confirmed to get a tattoo this wednesday.

we'll see how it goes from there. pictures of it soon i hope.

rick.

2007-05-13T05:00:00.000+08:00

ok ... so i dont really know what is going on anymore but trust me when i say this, i enjoyed every single moment of it.

i just want it to be how it was. it felt so good just being ... touched. i swear to god, everything else didnt matter at that time, nothing at all.

but fantasies aside, reality always checks you back in. i was wrong.

all i can do is have faith which i never believed in until recently.
the scientist from coldplay is fantastic to listen to now.

i really miss that. honestly from the bottom of my heart. it keeps replaying in my head over and over again. sigh.
rick.

*edit
calling sookie earlier didnt even help at all. i dont know. when i call her, i get to excited but its just the things that she talks about. i just dont get it. eventhough she is a year older, doesnt mean she is mentally mature as well now does it? i just cant take it anymore.
seriously, there are too many things going on in my head now. ALOT of things.
especially "that".

i miss you.

2007-05-11T06:40:00.000+08:00

sigh ... endless problems with everything.

i dont think i can take it anymore. pik, sy, lester and i actually sat at tea time from 11pm - 6am. thats 7 hours! so yeah. work at 12 later. sigh. but it was nice just talking random things. like how scared both pikky and i will be when we leave malaysia to australia. to be honest, id be scared as hell. sigh, anyone would be when they leave their comfort zone but i have to deal with it eventually no? so yeah. it will soon come.

nothing else but work.

rick.

2007-05-10T01:58:00.000+08:00

even my ex girl friend can make me laugh and smile, why cant my current girl friend do the same?

somehow i just love how jac and easily turn a dull moment to the happiest moment. sigh ... why did i ever let her go.

rick.

2007-05-09T03:33:00.000+08:00

nothing much today. quarreled with sookie. went to the new uptown pasar malam. bought 2 shorts and a shirt. played basketball and now im home.

rick.

2007-05-08T06:16:00.000+08:00

sookie came over in the morning before i went to work. its nice just spending some time with her when i can.

work was work so yeah, nothing much today. just another slowday BUT it was payday! earned a total of rm466.66. i thought i would have gotten rm600 from the praise alicia, my boss, have been giving me but oh well ... money is still money :)

other than that, badminton today was great. gary taught me how to smash. but what he said was kinda true, i do have good stamina for a smoker. hehehehe

anyhoo ... another empty day for my off day. ill figure something out.

im off,
rick.

2007-05-04T03:45:00.000+08:00

today is somewhat interesting.

woke up late for work, so id rather take an m.c. than go to work late and answering to my boss and all. so yea, an m.c. for today.

so i finally got a chance to finish up all my chores and yes, it was a good day indeed.

fixed up my pc, serviced my car, picked up some mail from pos laju and running errands around.

after that went over to pikky's for dinner which was great as her mum cooked. watched stomp the yard and protege. both good movies. especially protege.

thats that for today. nothing much but its a long day.

rick.

2007-05-02T23:57:00.000+08:00

we both know im not over you.

rick.

2007-04-27T04:09:00.000+08:00

work was fun today, even though it was closing. this was the first time i closed with alicia (my boss) which was not that bad as she let me off early because i finished all the cleaning. she such a nice person to work with.

other than that, nothing much but e-poker, sports and work.
i miss the stars in kk.

nothing goes well without the right amount of ...

rick.

2007-04-24T05:18:00.000+08:00

blogging from my hp was fun! :p but it took awhile to do it though.

today was badminton night. oh how i love badminton.
nothing is better than to end the day with a game of poker with "e-money'. hahahah funny shit. well, this is how we do it. we all start off with 20000 in our handphones and we slowly add or minus from there. fun huh? so yeah.

sookie is pissed at me for not calling or replying. just because i fell asleep this afternoon on the couch. i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont know how i can make her happy with the lifestyle i have. me going badminton while she sits at home waiting for my call or just fall asleep. sometimes i feel bad for being her boyfriend. it is tough being in a relationship with me. i know that because i am who i am. i am just wondering how long this relationship will last. hopefully longer than expected. i hope.

so yeah. today was fun. had morning shift in the kitchen today and i was doing dessert. dessert is so much fun but when theres nothing to do, theres really nothing to do. so yeah. i am doing closing later, so i hope i wont be bored for 8 hours.

im off to bed.
rick.

2007-04-22T03:09:00.000+08:00

im currently blogging frm my hp since my pc is dead.so yea.
I jst saw jac n her bf while driving home nt long ago.i so wanted 2 drive as fast as i can 2 b away frm that red car.sigh.

All i can do nw is wish,wish as hard as i can...a miracle will hopefully happen on my behalf.
rick.

2007-04-18T21:37:00.000+08:00

the last email i read just broke me apart.

i mean ... what did i do? seriously ... what did i do?

i just want to start over. i really do. i remember the times where nothing else mattered but the two of us.

booze and weed ... thats what i need.

im off.
rick.

2007-04-18T03:38:00.000+08:00

this week has been truely a good workout for me. but maybe its a little too much no?

imagine juggling this, basketball, football, badminton, pool, hanging out with friends, yam cha, movies, late nights, pc being dead, car due for service, a girlfriend and finally ... working every single day.

thats what i would have to go through lets say ... a week?

so yeah ... its been a really long day. well, everyday is a long day to me.

i just miss it when i was back home. waking up late, sleeping late, going to the beach and enjoying the view, climbing up my roof when im bored, cycling up and down and getting hurt while doing it. its all just so ... fun. i miss being a teenager.

i wish i had a birthday cake ...
rick.

2007-04-13T01:58:00.000+08:00

wanted to post some of my thailand trip pictures but i have no idea whats wrong with blogspot. its a bitch. sheesh.

anyways, this is how i spent my off day. went to curve to do some stuff. then i went to ikea to get my bowl which i broke last nights. they didnt have the same bowl. what i got is a smaller version and at the same price. what a rip off. then i got me 1/2 a dozen of curry puffs for lunch since pikky 'fong my fui gi'. went back home, finished up my puffs while watching blood diamond. good movie. went to bed since i was sleepy as hell.

i just came back from kl jam asia in desa sri hartamas, which they were having a screening for short films. really interesting how people span out and release their work to the public. iksan and pikky had they films each and they were one of the good ones. other than that, everything was good.

i feel really bad for how im treating my girlfriend. dont ask me how or what i did but i just dont like me for being this way. oh well ... not everyone is perfect as they always say.

rick.

2007-04-12T03:20:00.000+08:00

had a morning shift this morning which made my day really long but enjoyable none the less! :)

so i finished work at 5pm, picked sookie up at the lrt station at 7pm, cooked at around 9pm, sent sookie home at 11pm, went to play snooker with mode at racks after that, met ewen there, went to yam cha at tea time at 2am. fun fun fun! i love me long off day! :)

other than that, im done. tired, sleepy, i need rest. my eye bags tell me so!

rick.

2007-04-10T02:31:00.000+08:00

nothing interesting. school for scoundrals is a must watch though! :)

other than that, everything is fine. work, relationships, etc, etc.

nothing to blog about ... just want to fill the empty spaces.

rick.

2007-04-08T02:51:00.000+08:00

i had the best dream last night i didnt want to wake up from it. it was about jac and i. we looked so happy together. just both of us and nothing else mattered.

but what am i thinking? im in a new relationship and jac is still popping in my head even when im not asleep. i think its the mixed signals i was given. that little sign of hope that would spark something. i dont know. all i can do is assume and well, wait. i dont know if i should wait. waiting is really killing me. i just want to be happy. i just want to be that person that catches her when she falls. i want to be that person that can just sit there and stare at her all day and not get bored of her.

im hallucinating again. this is getting out of hand. even my present relationship might be ending soon if i dont save it. i think i know why i suck in relationships. its because of me. i am the cause of it all. i accuse, point fingers, hate, love, and all the crap but never blame myself for it all. so now i know. it is me who kills all my previous relationships.

she dared me to move.
now i wish i was dead.

rick.

2007-04-05T23:27:00.000+08:00

yezzur yezzur!!

today is the 3rd day working for bakerzin. i love working in the morning even though i have to wake up at 7.30am in the morning!! :)

tired as hell.

silent words ... sigh.

rick.

2007-04-04T00:43:00.000+08:00

today is the first day i started work at bakerzin 1 utama!

it was interesting as i woke up at 7am and reached work at 7.30am. i expected a jam and there was none! i was suppose to be at work at 8.30am. so i was an hour early. i went in when i saw my boss, which was a cute little lady which is only my shoulders tall and well, cute! she even have a tattoo on her wrist! how cool is that? oh, all of them were wearing jeans and sneakers, while i was wearing my chef pants! i looked like stupid idiot! hahaha they werent even wearing any apron! but we had to wear hair nets though! hahahaha

it was a fun 8 hour shift. i really enjoyed bakerzin. meeting new people and a sabahan which knew the people i knew in my previous work place, hotel istana. its a small world!

tomorrow i start at 12pm. a more relaxed time. i hope ill reach work on time :P

im off.

rick.

2007-03-28T03:32:00.000+08:00

today, ive got something so "bloggable"!
a gay dude molested me!

so here goes the story. i was doing some errands of my own until leslie called, my cousin's ex boss from singapore which is a fashion designer, and asked if i wanted to meet up today. so me being me, i said yes, not knowing of his intentions.

i picked him up from his house and we went to kl. on the way to kl, he started to hold my hand and kissing it. i was shocked as this never happened before. he told me there is a first for everything when i said i wasnt gay. he then started rubbing my thigh getting closer and closer to my dick. of course i did not have a hard on but it was so awkward. i mean, not long ago sookie was doing the same thing but this?! from a guy i barely know?! i was shocked. he told me he liked me and stuff. i was seriously scared and i cut short our outing. straight after sending him home, i called up my sister and told her the whole ordeal. she was laughing her head off. so did everyone else when i told them! :p

sigh ... i hate this kinda things.

a very gay ordeal indeed.

so yeah, sookie is still doing F1 while i stay at my apartment and rot. only at night though :)

rick.

2007-03-21T22:53:00.000+08:00

today was fun. went to college early as bryan had malaysian studies. so practically had to wait for 6 hours for the econs paper. surprisingly i studied for quite a long time. sometimes i just amaze myself. but when the paper came, it was easy! i was like kicking myself in the ass ... why did i study so hard? sigh ....

thats that. i will be getting my car later!! heee heeee!!
i miss my car!
i miss driving fast!
eheheheh ill be safe.

rick.

2007-03-21T02:18:00.000+08:00

there you go. a brand new layout for a brand new life. my new moto would be, capture the present.

went out with joe and sookie to ikea. we were suppose to study for economics but heck, that didnt work out! hehe. bought sookie some lilies and she blushed as soon as she saw me with my hands behind my back. hahahaha it was fun.

so yeah, car isnt dont yet, might be done this week though. mom and dad are coming down on friday to go to taiping. its cheng beng (its the time of year where we clean the grave). so yeah.

other than that, exams exams exams :)

will post up some pics or maybe ill just post it up on flickr.

off to bed, it was hard putting the layout together.

rick.

2007-03-19T03:02:00.000+08:00

well, its been awhile since i blogged.
my birthday passed faster than a speeding bullet! i had ZERO presents and ZERO cakes. so that practically ruined my whole 20th birthday.

other than that ... everything is going on smoothly.
life's kicking back in. dry spell is finally gone and heck, im finally happy again!
so, its kinda no more depression for awhile. so i have to apologize to ants eat sugar as this wont be a depressing post! :)

im now quoting and unquoting quotes!

“What goes around, comes all the way back around.” … i truly believe in karma. im ready to get striked by lightning for all the sins i have done but i truly hope one day that you, will deserve the same.

rick.

2007-02-24T02:50:00.000+08:00

i had an accident. it wasnt my fault. it just happened!

i was on a straight road ... and this guy was coming out of the junction. he saw me but still pressed on the gas. i tried to avoid and he hit my rear left door. i lost control, swerved and avoided alot of cars and finally found an empty spot and hit a lamp post. i got so pissed i opened up the door and took out my baseball bat ready to bash some heads in ... then i thought again that it is a gangster place. so yeah ... i walked back and put the baseball bat back. i got so pissed!

i couldnt do anything but just wait for sy's friends to come as i did not know what to do. so yeah. practically it is his fault. asshole ... i wont have a car for 1-2 weeks!!

btw, i had a date today with a "special" person. went for dinner with my parents and my dad colleagues. it was going so great! we went to cyberjaya which was simply fantastic!! thank god i didnt get into an accident when she was in the car!! :(

oh well ... life sucks for rick.

2007-02-12T00:36:00.000+08:00

i stared at my weapons of choice, figuring out which is sharper than the other. should i be using my regular pen knife, or should i try my paring knife? i asked myself.

thoughts ran through my head ... would it feel as good as it did before? could it heal before i go to bangkok? would anyone find out? has it been 11 months since i did it?

i dropped a few ice cubes into my cup and poured mandarin vodka into it. whilst drinking it slowly, i took out my photo albums, flicking it slowly, reminiscing the past was the hardest thing to do. i hated it as much as i loved it.

whilst doing that, my mind lost track and forgot about cutting myself. i slowly put the knives back into where they belong and started to write this.

im suppose to be studying but here i am, stuck in God knows what state of mind. i just need to fall in love again. really fall in love.

i wish i was dead. i dont care if there are better things that lies ahead of me. i just dont want to go through this whole emotion crap again. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks. it sucks.

rick.

2007-02-11T05:18:00.000+08:00

it's been awhile! why yes it has been awhile.

things for me has been going up and down.
1. arab chick gone
2. still thinking about jac
3. valentines is coming
4. my birthday is coming
5. im going to bangkok this weekend
6. i think i might fail my exams this term
7. working part time at starbucks ikano
8. next training to bakerzin

so thats about it. i was going through old pictures on my comp ... this year, last year, last last year, the year before that. all of it is so fucking sad. i'm lost again. i just dont know where to go.

my circle of friends has expended ... really expended. all i need to do now is speak good mandarin and cantonese and im good to go! :P

sometimes i just wished she didnt do it. if she didnt, then how would everything be? i wouldnt know, but questioning the past is stupid. i just wanted her and whatever that came along with her. i keep telling myself, of all the things ive done for her, of all things, i'm stuck the way i'm today. sometimes i just want to burst into tears but afraid someone might be hiding behind the door listening, waiting for me to screw up. yes, i still love you. yes, i still miss you. im sorry what you had to go through.
maybe thats the whole reason why......

it sucks coming home everyday to an empty bed only to be hugging the pillow oh so tightly whilst thinking about you.
no more hugs ...
no more goodnight kisses............
i miss you so fucking badly.
rick.

2007-01-12T05:00:00.000+08:00

recently everything has been ... a blur to me. well, kind off. people always say true love will come and you dont would not need to chase or find it. i just dont know if that is true or not. sigh...

sarah came over to resit her exam. so we had some fun today watching pathfinder. it was just an average movie with ... really bad dialogue. i mean, all you can hear is the shouts and screams of people dying! hahahah so yeah. it was just mediocre. before that i met agnes in watsons. she was shopping alone! could you believe it? hahaha so we chit chatted for awhile wishing each other this and that. suddenly she says 'you look very good'! i was so stunned i replied really slowly 'you look very good yourself'. hahhaah was pretty funny that happened though. i dont really get that alot so yeah.

college was alright i guess. met jinny. talked to her about her training back in sabah. at least she enjoyed it! hahaah she is another girl who seems so ... innocent yet, i dont know, theres a word i cant describe! hehehe. oh well.

thats that i guess. i cant sleep. i want to sleep but i cant. 8.30am class! 2 more hours of sleep to go! shieeeet.

rick.

2007-01-08T06:07:00.000+08:00

i dont know if im lying to myself or what but i feel that i dont want to sleep because i might dream of this girl i had so much feelings for. its just weird. i just cant stand doing this.

it's better to hurt yourself than to hurt someone else.
do you think its true? cause ive been doing it for a very long time.

rick.

2007-01-08T02:24:00.000+08:00

2006 is gone and 2007 is here! yay? or yay! heck, i dont know!

since the last time i blogged until now, i have felt a million feelings i have felt before and most of it i have never felt in my whole life. it is just weird feeling those feelings but i guess when you get older you'll get used to it. i think.

i went to singapore for christmas which was fantastic! i totally fell in love with singapore when i went over. met a few old friends and my cousin ZY! it was all fun in singapore, from shopping to clubbing. clubbing in singapore, i can honestly say, is superb! so yeah. that was singapore for me.

new years i spent at zouk kl with a bunch of my friends from hotel istana. it was fantastic too. had a blast meeting so many new people on new years! so thats new years for me.

today was the first time i felt nothing ... completely and honestly nothing towards jac. it's like i just met her for the first time and me being my shy self in front of someone i dont know. i would say that is a bad thing but others would say it's good progress. maybe im finally over her! so ill say YAY to 2007!

hopefully 2007 will be a better year for me.
rick.

2006-12-19T01:38:00.000+08:00

being alone for the first day got me thinking, what have i been doing to myself lately? just being stupidly lame and wanting something i cant get? yes, thats exactly what i've been doing. i should break out of this stupid shell and for Gods sake forget about the past. the past cant be forgotten, yes but heck, we all still have to move on yes? sigh ... moving on has been the hardest thing for me to do. trying to cover it up by cutting, drinking, getting a lil high, sleeping around and piercing. what a lame ass you would say and i would agree.

this is no easy task, no one said it was. if only i could forget the past and stop reminicing about it. things would be so much easier. unfortunately for me, things haven't been so ... easy going lately.

everyone from the apartment has gone back to kk except me. it's like being in a country you've known for so long yet having only two really close friends.

it's just tough for me suddenly going through this state out of the blue when everyones gone. everything feels so empty. if only i socialized more and got to know more friends.

i'm currently on the run from malaysia. closest i can go to is singapore. so i'm off to singapore on the 23rd december and probably back by the end of the weekend. hopefully ill still be alive when i get back.

everythings a mess. you know it.
rick.

2006-12-10T04:50:00.000+08:00

i worked today. 12 hours straight on my off day. only got payed rm100 from rm130 the amount im suppose to get payed working for 12 hours. but it was good. got to see some really really hot chicks. there was this one girl that caught my eye. she was always staring at me but the reason why i didnt approach her is because she was married! sigh ... she looked just like jac. but prettier and more mature of course. it's one of those girls that you wont forget for a few days. that you would keep her in your head for quite awhile until you forget about her. sigh, i wish i had a photo of her in my phone. she definitely stands out among all the other girls in the restaurant. oh yes, i worked in MangoTree Restaurant. it was good. after work, samir, sookie, alin and i drank booze until were satisfied before going home. alin was a nice malay girl, a friends of sookie. sweet and adorable. fun to make fun of! heehe she's just plain cute. then on the way home we met JAIV in a roadblock! hahaha coincidence! lol

anyhoooo ... like i said before, people can talk crap but hey, they cant take it themselves thats why they talk crap about other people to make themself feel better. i mean, you want to talk all that crap to me, and i actually just stood there and nodded my head and smiled, and when YOU want my help, you'd be so fucking nice to me and play Mr.nice guy? god, some people really cant take what they actually say when it is shot back at them. hey, now you know how i fucking feel, treat other people with respect and they will be treating you the same when you need something. i took in whatever i could before, i just couldnt take anymore criticism or shit for anyone anymore from a long days work. so yeah. thats that.

other than that .... i still miss her. sigh. it's her little things ... you know? like the girl i saw tonight. sigh ... its just her face and her beautiful smile. omg, her smile was way way different and i loved the way she smiled. even her lips were so ... sigh ... dreaming dreaming

back to reality, derrick is still single and missing his ex, pathetic.
rick.

2006-12-04T03:45:00.000+08:00

i woke up this morning, trying to hide my melancholy. i joined you for breakfast and we continued our lie. everyday it is similar, you are cheery and so am i. our terrible lie. can u imagine a time when we wake up and did not speak, realizing our moods would cause tension cause by too little life? i do wish sometimes as i leave for work sullenly dreading the day already weeping far within. the lie, terrible and unending would cease to be and i would know the real you and you, the real me. but, the lie drags on for now for it is not written in the stars and perhaps it will never be. i am my own companion. the dreaded trurth gathered in a life time sentenced for and enternity realized too late.

lately i've been really ... lost. i know i have not "look or sound" lost but i surely am inside. it's a feeling i dont think i could ever explain. it's like you're missing something in your life. it's like it will never be complete. i know it's human nature to always want. greed. but heck, recently it's really been ... ups and downs for me. i feel like i've broked more hearts in a month than any normal person would. it just pains me inside that i am this kind of person that would just not take ... sigh ... would just not take himself seriously.

sometimes it's really hard to fake it around people you know and care about. the constant jokes and humility just kicks in all of a sudden but heck, as a friend you'll just have to keep it in and laugh it up or else everyone else will call you a spoilt sport. i've been on this earth long enough to know how friendship goes. 19 years of pure mayhem towards friends, family, enemies, lovers, bastards and ex's.

i just wish i could end it all but hey, if it was that easy, we wouldnt be having dreams now would we? everything is and has been a challenge for me. what a wonderful path i have walked ever since i was born. the happiness, sadness, tears, sarcasm, fights, love, sex, and much more. sigh.

i still dont know why but there will always be an emptiness in me. i just dont know what is it so i can fill it up and not feel this way. sigh...im lost.

rick.

2006-11-21T23:15:00.000+08:00

theres nothing more painful than seeing or picturing something you've never want to picture. hey, let go, he said, let go, she did. well, thats what i get for being a dumbass. she might have been the best thing that have ever happened to me and i screwed it up badly.

cold kitchen is done and im going for western tomorrow. the first day i entered the cold kitchen, i hated it so much, as i progressed through the week, i was starting to like the cold kitchen on how they prepare their mise en place (meaning preparing the ingredients before making it, just like setting up a table before the guest comes to dine). the presentation, the everything.

getting to know almost everyone is amazing. the some sort of love hate relationship found in the kitchen is intense as you will most definately come across people you would never even think of meeting. some have their bad sides, the others pure culinarians but the most of all, each and everyone of them has talent and passion about their work. the only problem is, is culinary the thing for me? i wouldnt mind working now as i have gotten used to it so quickly. meeting new people and learning alot more than college.

sometimes life brings you to places you've never dreamed of. maybe thats why i am in this line of work. maybe thats why i am doing what i am doing and including the past.

how would you picture you're self when you're the third wheel? would you feel honoured? would you feel proud? would you feel happy? would you feel worried? all the feelings in the world cant explain what i went through. because i, myself cant explain it.

this whole experience for me, meeting new people, learning new things and so on would never be forgotten until the day someone digs a 6 ft hole for me. it's just amazing. especially the experience. i wouldnt mind training over and over and over again. as long as i get to meet people and learn things. it's just a fantastic feeling. i love culinary.

sigh, i miss my ex.
rick.

2006-11-05T23:54:00.000+08:00

its been a month plus since i posted. i've been really busy and really lazy with work and writing reports every wednesday night and handing it in on thursday.

so far, i've gone to the chinese banquet and malay banquet. currently i'm at the pastry department. i didnt turn up for the first day as i overslept. not that i didnt want to attend pastry but i just couldn't wake up. so i got screwed for that hence writing an apology letter to the hotel, executive chef and HR department. so yeah. ending pastry in two days and going to butchery next. i might not be going to butchery but we'll see how it goes.

my results just came out for this term and i passed it, with a 12.39 over 20 average. better than my previous terms. proud but wished i had done better. so thats all about college.

recently, i've been pondering on a lot of things.

1. how my life would be if i was still with jac.
2. how my life would be if i was still in LUCT.
3. how my life would be after graduating from Taylor's College.
4. Will i ever find another true love again?

p.s. to keesama, im sorry for not replying earlier but here it is, myflashbox.
to XY, i miss chatting with you too. i really do. this is the most vulnerable time now. i feel like shit. please do msn me if you have the time. really need someone to talk to. thanks.

i dont know why but i feel like crying over the past. it's been haunting me lately and i've been covering up all the sadness inside by tiring myself out in work everyday. i'm always scared of being judged by other people. i just want to be loved again. is that too much to ask for?

i want to be loved again.
rick.

2006-10-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

so yes, i'm back from auckland and missing everything about it. from the chicks to the weather. even went bungee jumping after a failed attempt on going snow boarding. so yeah.

went for my interview today at hotel istana. everything went well and i got accepted. will be starting work on the 9th of october. good luck to me and hope i survive.

everything lately has been a mess. scandals after scandals, dramas after dramas. joe has been asking me to forget about my past as it is healthy to forget about it. he too gets reminded by his ex when she gave him a german soldier hat that he always wanted. he asked me to do so because i still talk about jac. he is the only classmate i actually trust and would tell him things and he does the same to me. he told me his scandal and heck, if i were him, i wouldnt tell anyone at all!

today has been the first day that im really alone. back from auckland and mum flew back to kk. family are all gone. sometimes i just take things for granted. for example, my mum. i dont know why i always push her buttons even though i know that would make her mad and hate me. i just dont know why i do it. i hate me for doing such things to my family.

ever since i got back, my head has been spinning. thinking about everything. i even planned out what i should get for jac on her birthday, which is the same day i go for work. but i wouldnt know if it would be the best idea to actually do it. she doesnt even reply my text messages anymore. maybe it was because of that day i kinda ignored her when pikky and her bumped into us in hartamas. i dont know, im just assuming.

im just lost. i wish i knew. i wish i had my life back as it was before. it was beautiful. really beautiful. i enjoyed, admire and will cherish it for the rest of my life. as for now, i guess it's best i just ... hope for a miracle to happen.

rick.

2006-09-13T01:02:00.000+08:00

somehow i just hate it when everything comes to an end. not that i didnt ask for it but i just cant take it.

i wish my mum didnt have to come this week, so i could put all my rage and anger towards my arm. she's going to be so disappointed just having a glimpse of my arm.

it doesnt help other people but it most definitely helps me. on how i could sleep soundly at night after doing it and such.

i wish i had a million dollars so i could spend it going around the world and not have any worries. half for traveling and half in my savings. it would probably last me around 1 whole year if my parents stopped giving me my allowance.

guilty as charged ... i hate me.
rick.

2006-09-12T01:58:00.000+08:00

fuck this day and every other day!

woke up early to do my ptptn stuff. went to the bank in uptown and got my car clamped! had to pay fucking rm50 to remove the clamp! then i had to go to college and the lady said i needed more documents and to come back tomorrow. so i practically wasted around ... rm70 just to sign up for ptptn. what a fucked up day.

then came back and studied my ass off. went to shower and i lost my earring i bought yesterday. fucked up day i tell you. i hate this day. screw it. im playing games to release this fucked up stress.

rick.

2006-09-11T02:25:00.000+08:00

the days just keeps getting better and better ... not!

sigh ... how is it possible that life can come around kicking my ass AGAIN! i bought 4 bottles of beer and sat outside the apartment. drinking my misery away. unfortunately i could only down 2 bottles and a couple of cigarettes until i felt stupid. i just dont understand me sometimes. i think im just too demanding. wanting everything and yet not giving anything. more input less output.

i dont know if im doing the right thing or the worst i've ever. even worse than when i was with jac. gosh. the past keeps coming back to me. it's like something keeps reminding me of the past. i'm sick and tired of it all ... i just want to be alone. i dont want to deal with anything anymore. maybe i was meant to be a bachelor. just a stupid little guy that never grows up.

i'd rather jump down a tall building than go through another day of my life. the cuts dont help anymore. its not helping even though i cut myself a million times. it's like a sign telling me that im done for. theres nothing else that could and will help me. nothing. just emptiness.

sadness reigns in his eyes. nothing would ever be the same again.
rick.

2006-09-08T02:24:00.000+08:00

i feel so pathetic, looking back at pictures of jac and i together. i honestly really missed the time we had together. making her laugh, smile, angry and even cry just to see how she would respond. i miss her kisses. her endless kisses. before she goes to classes, before im off to college, random kisses when we feel like kissing each other. it feels so surreal now, that none of that will ever happen again. i really miss her. the endless love she gave me.

sure, i did a few things i shouldn't have done. but hey, people make mistakes and they learn from there. don't judge before you know first hand what actually happened. i really feel like a jerk, of how i treated her. the awkward silence i always gave her when i was mad, keeping the anger inside instead of letting it out and so on. heck, i could go on all night stating my stupidness when i was with her.

my mindset is still the same than before. i still love her. even though what happened between us, i'd rather just put it in the past and start anew. but heck, who am i kidding, as if we were ever going to get back together again. she'd rather fly back to melbourne than to meet me. i think i'd do the same. but i would at least try. because i still have such deep feelings for this girl.

sigh, the cutting never stops.
rick.

2006-09-04T07:28:00.000+08:00

everything is breaking apart. im breaking apart. i have this bad feeling inside of me. just trying to break me free or something else.

now is the time i want to go back to kk and just stay there and think of nothing-ness. i dont want to have any worries, no hassle, no nothings. i just want to be alone. i just want to get away from this place. i cant take it being here. yeah i know im being all pissy and whiney like a little bitch. what can i do? i fucking hate it. i hate myself for being like this. screw it.

what do you do when it all falls apart ... ?

rick.

2006-08-31T02:17:00.000+08:00

what a wonderful feeling having a beautiful japanese girl lying in your bed all naked. satisfied after having a few rounds of sex. ahhhh ... i feel so ... alive!! oh hell ... this will probably be another fling im going to have. shes freaking 23 years old! but hey, she digs me enough for me to bring her home! i dont know how i did it but i did!! kudos for me! hahah ...

oh well ... better get some shut eye. she wants to go back early later. she lives all the way in puchong!

oh yeah ... before that, samir, jasmine, sookie, kathleen, christin, joe and i were at starbucks bukit bintang. having free flow of anything in starbucks! wicked no? heh. we sat there until all the fireworks were done. then they headed home while joe and i chit chatted for awhile. then it was my turn to go back. on the way back to my car, i met this hot japanese chick. God, she was hot! so i told myself this is the time to prove that your a man. so i flirted with her a little and guess what ... shes on my bed!! well yeah. sleepy time now. nitey nites ya'll.

rick.

2006-08-14T04:31:00.000+08:00

the past has gotten on me today. i was fine previously until tonight. i tried to sleep, but i cant. its pretty hard just forgetting what happened. thinking back and wondering was is my fault? was it me that caused all of this to happen? it most probably was.

everytime i go to places jac and i usually go, i scout around, searching for her through the crowd. hoping to see her and hoping not to see her. its like i wouldnt know how to react if i actually see her one day. to either say something or just walk away. if she's there with her new bf, would i fake it that im glad to see him ... ? i wouldnt know until the time actually comes.

thinking back ... we had such wonderful times. the places we went, the things we did, the secrets we shared, the moments that never seem to surprise me every single time, and most definately, the endless love. well, thats my point of view, i wouldnt know what she would think. but thats me.

i appreciate every single thing shes done for me ... until that day. i dont know why but i cant seem to forget that day. i wasnt even thinking. i just acted. i felt so stupid. and here i am. sitting in front of this stupid computer ... kicking myself in the butt for the mistakes i made in the past. pfft. how lame can i get ...

rick.

2006-08-04T02:12:00.000+08:00

nothing really interesting happening but only one thing. an interview with starbucks. hopefully i would get the job and that would keep me busy and keep me from thinking about the past. oh and of course the extra income. other than that, everything has been the same. sy and i ate a whole large pizza each from dominoes. its the buy 1 free 1 promo. i just love it! but im so stuffed i think i might just puke.

i miss her...why? i dont know. her image just keeps popping into my head all the time.

rick.

2006-07-19T03:29:00.000+08:00

cuts will be cuts. cuts will bleed. i still havent gotten rid of that horrible habit of mine. yet again, i proved myself wrong. as stupid as i can be, i did it.

i broke down this afternoon. i really couldnt take it anymore. i just teared up for no apparent reason. the pain was there, but the motive was not. but it hurt, it hurt so badly. i wish i knew what was wrong with me so i could live a normal life again. a normal life with her. i love her so dearly and now im stuck on my own yet again. loneliness is just in my blood. somehow i cant get rid of it.

i felt so down today i just wanted to take the knife and slit my wrist. i hate myself. people who hate themselves most probably would commit suicide right? well, soon enough, it will happen. one way or another. ill wait.

im no superman.
rick.

2006-07-18T16:10:00.000+08:00

i have been such a hopeless wreck. never have i imagined that i would end up like this again. maybe i am just an emotional wreck. maybe thats it.

for the past month or so, i felt what it was like to be loved again. but that was short lived by my emotions running wild. i just went hay wire. i let go of someone who really cares for me for who i really am and not just for the outside. i regret my actions but i try not to now. i'd rather let her be happy with someone else then let me be screwing her life up like i used to with jac.

i just cant take it anymore. cuts will come. cuts will bleed. i love pain.

rick.

2006-07-12T02:10:00.000+08:00

i know for a fact that my life has changed. for the better or worse, i am still to find out. i still feel that life has it's little quest and mission for me. i do not know where to go and which path to take. little by little, i tend to move forward and backward, constantly getting confused of what am i suppose to be doing. life now has taken a toll on me. it has probably taken over my life. regaining it back just means that i have to strive and fight harder to win back my life i once had. life i once enjoyed to the fullest, life i once felt happy for, life which i would have died for.

i have never learnt so much in so little time. many people has cross my path and i thank them, sincerely from my heart. but the real problem here is me. i cant seem to find out what is really wrong with me. i cant seem to find the right way when everyone is pointing at the right direction. i tend to get lost easily with or without help. finding refuge in someone is what i do best. getting out of my comfort zone is not. but there is always this feeling that tells me to get out of it and live life. i do not want to stay this way forever as i do not know how long i can take this anymore. people may think that i am such a loser or fool for feeling this way but i cant help it, nor can anyone else.

greed has been seeing eye to eye with me or the other way around. either way, greed is what everyone wants. greed makes people do stupid little things. it tends to make us all confused and with that, we end up doing something we would regret sooner or later. i know i have.

today would most probably be the last time i cried of the past. no more tears over spilt milk.
rick.

2006-07-11T02:12:00.000+08:00

here we go again. it's been awhile since i listened to avril's old cd. i got so emotional over it. probably broke me down for the whole night. anyways, we went to eat at new paris tonight. i was being a pig and ate three servings of rice. how greedy of me! oh well. growing little boy im. after that we headed off to the pasar malam at ss2. nothing much there. just walked around and look see.

after that we came back. felt so icky that i didnt shower after such a long day. fyi, i was in college in the morning. trying to catch up with my studies in the college library as i cant really study at home. yupyup. after showering, i asked sarah if she could poke some pimples for me. hahha she actually did! she's a qualified beautician whattt!! finally my pimples will get out and be gone! i hate pimples! so yeah. thats that. now im off to bed. been a long day. i need rest. nites.

that last kiss i'll cherish until we meet again and time makes it harder. your memory, you visit me in my sleep, my darling.
rick.

2006-07-10T05:24:00.000+08:00

italy won! why? sigh... totally unexpected. oh well ... you win some and you lose some! :)

anyhow, todays been interesting. went to nilai to help sarah to move out. got to see some hot china chicks but after hearing crazy stuff from sy, sarah and mode, i changed my mind! hahhaa. are they that ... unhygenic? eeee ... heheheheheh anyways, after packing everything, we went for dinner and then went to play pool at a nearby place. got to see a few more chicks there. nilai is full of em! mostly china chicks though. so yeah.

we played until it was around 12. went back, everyone rested and got ready for the world cup finals. hahaha all of us were sitting in the living room, having our own munchies and drinks in hand. even jaivin and his cousin came over. rather interesting match though. loved it until the end.

life's been dealing with me quite ... normally lately. theres always this roller coaster ride i take which makes me go haywire once in a while. you know, you tend to look back into your past and remember the places you've been and such. that really pulls me down alot. i wouldnt want to go back to KK because of the feelings i felt there. nor do i want to go to genting. those places has such huge impact on me. if i ever went to those places now, i would most probably break down on the spot. why? because it felt so wonderful back then. it felt like it was a fairy tale that always ends with happy endings but we all know that fairy tales and happy endings never exist in this cruel world. i learnt that the hard way. now, im slowly getting up on my two feet. trying to recover from what has broken me into pieces. how long more will this last, honestly, i do not know. i would want it to end as soon as possible so i can move on ... but unfortunately ... im still not dealing with the real problem. me. oh well ... life is life. get on with it they all say.

my darling, who knew ... i miss you.
rick.

2006-07-08T19:09:00.000+08:00

been the same lately. nothing really special. on and off craziness, doubts, sadness, tears and such. fun huh?

anyhoot, i feel like shit almost every single day. i need someone to hug, to love, to kiss, to adore, to admire, to enlighten me, to free me, to love me.

lost in my own little world, this little boy aint got anything right in his life anymore. he wants to feel love again. he misses his ex so much. he doesnt know why. even though she practically destroyed his life, he still loves her. weird huh? he just wants to spend some time with her to see what would go on. but he knows nothing would ever be again. so he knows. it would never be. nothing would ever be. he's lost.

rick.

2006-07-07T01:52:00.000+08:00

life has been a bugger. hard to move on. hard to let go. hard to do anything right anymore.

i gave the thank you gift to her today. she liked it and said it was beautiful. i was glad that she liked it. tomorrow i am going to have a five hour break. i dont know what i would do. i wouldnt want to go home and go back to class. i think i'd just stay in the library and read some books. get me going. the sylybus this year is quite interesting. having budgeting (similar to accounts) and all the usual stuff i had last term. we had this meeting about our placement for our industry training. i was thinking about going to langkawi to work. it should be good as everything is duty free. love that place! :)

anyways. time to go to bed. early class and late class tomorrow.
cheerio :)

rick.

2006-07-06T05:30:00.000+08:00

nothing that interesting anymore. classes started this week. missed two days of classes. so yeah. been football crazy. france won, obviously. lets see who will win the finals.

who knew.

rick.

2006-07-03T23:10:00.000+08:00

everythings been a mess. a big terrible mess i left behind. this is getting to me. not just that one problem, but everything. but how do you put everything together? how to you patch things up? it's all up to me to do that. no else would be there to fix my mistakes but me. sometimes it's just so hard to carry on like this. to just live life as it is. constant headaches come and go, breakdowns, tears and what not. it is going to drive me insane sooner or later. i can tell.

but how do you save a life when it is already broken down? broken up into a million pieces. find all the pieces back and patch things up? you would obviously loose a few pieces after all the small cracks and chips. i can never be the same again. i can never love again. i dont want to love again. being hurt so many times is just not my cup of tea. i give up on relationships. i wont make anything happen. when it comes, it comes. thats my perspective now. nothing more. hell no.

i've been through all the heartache i can possibly think of. i've had enough of it. there's always this saying ... parents dont burry their children, the children burry their parents. i wouldnt mind having me burried first. but would my parents mind? of course they would. they raised me with all their love and energy. but what can i say? when my time comes, it comes. if i have to force it, i will. thats that.

rick.

2006-07-02T07:12:00.000+08:00

sunday ... 7.10am. awake. hungry. pissy.

portugal beat england and france killed brazil. how fun is that? :)

i hate liars. liars like that little witch. no wonder when her brother went to the bomoh and asked about his relationship with his girlfriend, the bomoh pointed his finger at her, saying that she is the cause of it. i dont know whats wrong with her. she's just out to get me. make me go mad. make me go crazy. i just might.

i freaking hate this. she's just gone overboard this time. really and seriously. so stop it, please.

i bought her something special. just a little token of appreciation for everything she's done for me. it cost me rm129 but it's all worth it. getting a job soon. yupyup. more income.

i would like to go to bamiyan one day. see the craziness of it all. watching national geographic about the place now. poor place. sad.

rick.

2006-07-01T05:37:00.000+08:00

i cant sleep for fucks sake. i hate being this way at this time of hour.

she messaged me on wednesday or thursday saying that our trip is this weekend. which i was thinking about ever since she called me in the start of the month. i held my stand and didnt let her push me around. she said she was not pushing me, on going. but she did it indirectly which was totally ... out of this world. i talked to sy before making my finaly decision. asking him for advice. he asked me to stand up for myself and if he was me, he would say no, but it was totally up to me for my final decision. so i decided not to go. but guess what happens NOW. i cant stop thinking about it. i dont know why i cant and i keep dreaming about the past when i try to fall asleep. this is going overboard as i cant take it any longer. sooner or later i am going to explode. i told myself that i will not bother about her anymore. but look at me now ... it is still coming back. it is still killing me slowly. this is insane. i am going insane of this. i just wished i'd rewind time and never come to kl.

this holidays might just be the most boring holiday i would have ever gotten. well, nothing beats the holiday i had last term after my breakup. but this comes second. the fact that i cant do anything. the fact that i am driving myself insane over a small matter. i cant take it any longer.

i cant stop thinking about her. she is constantly in my mind. why? i dont know why...i wish i knew so i'd try to reverse it. but unfortunately i am stupid. very stupid. probably the most stupid human being there is. i cant take it any longer.

i cant take it any longer ... i cant ... i cant.

rick.

2006-06-27T02:37:00.000+08:00

i have been a fool. such a fool.

rick.

2006-06-26T02:07:00.001+08:00

i just finished going through my fisheye pictures. it brought back memories. alot of memories. i thought to myself, what am i doing to myself? why am i killing myself over this little thing when i can be out there enjoying whats waiting for me. to be honest, my relationship with jac was just merely a fling. i fell in love with the girl i felt most comfortable with and closest with. i also fell in love with her long wavy hair which smelt so damn good. but now is now, i give up on the past. i dont want to correct it, change it, or erase it. i just want to go on from here. im going to call her as soon as she reaches singapore.
her hair smells like heaven. her lips taste so sweet and tender. i actually de-virginized her lips. it felt good. it really did. i think im falling in love again...

i give up on the past. i give up on her.

rick.

2006-06-26T00:38:00.000+08:00

the start of the holidays. how i sometimes dread holidays. just 3 months ago ... it happened. i was miserable as hell. somehow, i feel it all over again. even with the chain of events that is happening to me now. i dont know what to do anymore. i just dont.

i told her that it was not a good idea that both of us be in a relationship. i thought long and hard about it and if it continues, or even starts, it would end up bad. she wished id come out of my shell and see how beautiful is it outside. i have been a burden to her ever since she knew me. i dont know how one person can absorb so much crap from me. its either she is really dumb or really in love with me to block all negativity out. i mean, she even took me somewhere when i was really down and made me the most happiest man in that place. i just dont understand anything anymore. i just dont want to hurt anyone anymore. i feel guilty even though bad things happen and its not my fault.

i just feel that everything i do or not do is my fault. either right or wrong. the world spins, but i cant keep up with it. the past is still here, haunting me with every move i made. last night i called her and switchfoot's on fire was on. jac used to play that song so often i feel that i was in her room again. it felt so awkward being on the phone and thinking of two things at once, maybe the most wonderful thing in my life and the past. i think im just blinded by love and the past.

miserable as hell i will be. sometimes i feel like im meant to live and die alone.

rick.